Where Oh Where Did My Little Blog Go?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Precious, Unforgiving Time...


Colton's tiny hand was wrapped around my finger as I tried to teach him - by placing one foot in front of the other, with confidence in each tiny step, he would eventually reach his destination.


After a long and exhausting effort to bring Caleb into the world, I was blessed to see him for the first time. The delivery was traumatic and he was fussing a little when they placed him in my arms ... but as I spoke my first words to him, he grew silent, overcome by the familiarity of my voice. My first child - such an amazing experience... love at first sight. I stared at the precious divine being, completely in awe and amazement of the beautiful child my body had created with God.


I lived in Germany and gave birth to the most courageous child I know... Cammie Elaine. Her tenacious little personality and the fire in her spirit was evident from the beginning. She would fall asleep on me, basking in the warmth of my body and the beat of my heart - and as soon as I would move her to the bassinet, she would instantly wake and cry with an unspoken demand to be returned to the comfort of my chest.


Clayton came barreling into the world in a precipitous labor that lasted less than three hours with the same headstrong determination he devotes to his precious life.

Today... I woke to the beauty of another day, startled to complete awareness of the unforgiving nature of time, and "Yesterday" has long since passed away...


I woke to Colton's 7th birthday. The tiny little fingers that once clasped my hand in self-doubt... reveal the time gone by their sticky reflection on walls, mirrors, and windows - a perfect illustration of his energetic, animated play - and the discovery of a joyful life.


I woke to an amazing teenage son, who no longer stops and listens in awe of my voice, but obediently honors me in every way. He's grown into a young man. He's as tall as I am, weighs more than I do, and wears cologne to "impress the ladies". He's about to start shaving, has his first real girlfriend, and will be driving in a year. He has integrity, a kind heart, and compassion for others. My heart swells with joy at the young man he has become.


I woke to an amazing daughter, once inseparable from the comfort of the gentle beat of my heart, has a heart of her own... A heart full of conviction, determination, strong-will, courage, tenacity, and passion for life has become an inspiration to all who are blessed to know her.


I woke to a son who once barreled his way into the world... a precious child who loves to be coddled, but wants to grow up... and, despite his small stature, has a spirit that's larger than life.

Where has the time gone, my friends???

"Yesterday" has passed and today I watched the sunrise and realized that "today" will soon be another "yesterday". "Tomorrow" is merely one "yesterday" away, and "tomorrow", everything will change once again. As a young mother, I naively believed that God entrusted me with these four beautiful spirits to teach. What I have come to realize is the that they were sent to teach me. My precious children; Caleb, Cammie, Clayton, and Colton... thank you for your patience with me, for your unique beauty, for choosing to share your lives with me, and for the precious truths that you have (and have yet) to teach. I am blessed to be your mother. Thank you for your inspiration...


  1. Never fear...before you know it you will be like me...your oldest will be nearly 34 years old...lol. It's always a joy to see such love in a family. I know God is proud of you all. :)Suzi

  2. I don't know why precisely... but your brave story moves me very deeply, and I can think of no gift to lay at your feet than to offer this, as unworthy as it is:

    I look at you, your bright blue eyes,
    and think of the things you’ve been
    your life so hard, ‘spite mother’s love
    so plain it can be seen
    And it brings me back down mem’ries path
    to places I have been.

    I have seen so many things, both beautiful and drear
    So many things, that I have seen, so common and so rare
    Let me tell you now of some of them
    and show that for which I care

    I have seen birth’s greatest promise
    in my son’s first breath
    And I have seen life’s hardest hour,
    a dearest friend’s dark death

    I have felt my heart so greatly swell
    When my son come run to me to dwell
    In caring arms, his daddy to find comfort
    And I have felt the pain of knowing that
    Pick him up I cannot

    I have lain in room so bare
    And seen death’s black plumed wings
    Stretch out to cover me in care
    So dark, those most beautiful of things

    And I heard him whisper in trembling ear
    A gift of final comfort’s promise,
    to lift and cradle life away
    and take away all fear

    All agony he offered then, to help for me to ease
    but through pain crack’d lips ere all else awoke
    I spoke and firmly refused to take that last release.

    For life so bright, that painful light
    I could not leave so early,
    This world I love, I could not leave
    To end my birth I could not do
    that for it did long years ago
    my parents pay so dearly

    I have seen loves greatest hope
    turned to ashes cold
    And seen the spark of love anew
    that lies in a child’s pure heart.

    I have had both love and hate
    Heaped on my shoulders broad
    And knowledge gained I have of late
    Such that I know not of which is hardest

    Friends I have had, and enemies both
    And some that are between
    But do they know me? I think not
    my thought they have not seen

    I have seen a man in scrubs of green
    Who he a whole night spent in healing
    In dawn’s first light, spends time out to be
    with a child in a hospital room a-kneeling

    To play an innocent game with him
    Spend time, his exhaustion to deny
    To wash away another’s pain
    to comfort him, and doing thus
    he gained a sweet reply

    I have seen yet another lie out on gurney bold,
    smile so cheerful bright, as yet by doctor grim he’s told
    that he must fight for life and soon to leave his body old
    But smile he did and fear him not to feel that deadly cold

    I have seen god’s beauty bright and all his colors bold
    so fragile and so wonderful and I have been afraid
    of awesome light that bathes this world
    and reveals to all my soul outlaid

    In night’s dark hour I’ve doubted much
    my place in this world so great
    And I feared the lack of lover’s touch,
    Or maybe I feared I’d gain it
    To darken it with my broken self
    And accidentally stain it

    For frightened then, in thought of love
    I feared her laughing ridicule
    Or just perhaps I feared her pity
    Of my deformed self, my confidence so miniscule

    I was given life’s greatest gift
    That from another body torn
    And pledged to squander not,
    an awesome lift from stranger-friend allowing me reborn

    I have laughed and loved and cried heartbroken,
    such as I do right now
    For I look at you and see such beauty
    As deep my heart does wound

    For my life, twice lived, grows short perhaps
    But still I clearly see
    The beauty that runs so deep in you
    That amazing it is to me
    that others see you not as I –
    they see a thing unnatural
    But some things I know, through heart alone
    From nothing that is factual

    That you are you, and you alone
    Can know the things you know
    And who you are and what you feel
    Must ne’er you to shame
    and who you are and what you feel
    you should never need to tame

    So live your life, be free, be happy
    Be everything that you can be
    For that journey great, is wonderful
    And terrible I see

    But worth it ev’ry step it is
    Both pains and pleasures none so fine
    As to see you walk the fields, the woods, the streams
    And light the halls of time