It Just Wouldn't Be a Picnic Without the Ants!!!

It just wouldn't be a picnic without the ants...

I love this quote because I can relate to it on so many levels. Motherhood has been the most incredible"picnic" in my life. That being said, some days are "infested with ants", and I often find myself searching for the priceless opportunity for learning and growth that presents itself in all experiences... good and bad. Among the gems of experience are knowledge, understanding, a greater aptitude for compassion, and a predisposition for empathy and caring... delivered only by the irritating company of the ants.

Ants, although not often welcome at picnics, are incredible critters. Just a few inspirational facts...

Like all insects, ants have six legs. Each leg has three joints. The legs of the ant are very strong so they can run very quickly. If a man could run as fast for his size as an ant can, he could run as fast as a racehorse. Ants can lift 20 times their own body weight. Adult ants cannot chew and swallow solid food. Instead they swallow the juice which they squeeze from pieces of food. They throw away the dry part that is left over. The abdomen of the ant contains two stomachs. One stomach holds the food for itself and second stomach is for food to be shared with other ants.

The job of the queen is to lay eggs which the worker ants look after. Worker ants are sterile, they look for food, look after the young, and defend the nest from unwanted visitors. Ants are clean and tidy insects. Some worker ants are given the job of taking the rubbish from the nest and putting it outside in a special rubbish dump! Each colony of ants has its own smell. In this way, intruders can be recognized immediately.

At night the worker ants move the eggs and larvae deep into the nest to protect them from the cold. During the daytime, the worker ants move the eggs and larvae of the colony to the top of the nest so that they can be warmer. If a worker ant has found a good source for food, it leaves a trail of scent so that the other ants in the colony can find the food.

I admire ants. I have been asked during interviews if I could be any non-human living thing what would I choose to be? I have always said, "an ant". Trust me... until I explain, I get some pretty strange looks. One of my favorite quotes follows...

"I ask not for a lighter load, I ask for broader shoulders..."

Ants can carry quite an insurmountable burden, and they do so every day. Their incredible strength, tenacity, and endurance enable them to work quickly and efficiently. They are extremely intelligent and productive. They extract the good, utilize it, and discard what is useless. They are are selfless and generous. They understand the value of community service. They are nurturers and devout caretakers. They are protectors. They are organized, efficient, and resourceful. They understand the value of conservation and preparation. Through a commitment to teamwork, they are dedicated to being part of a "collective whole". They are committed to a common purpose to build something great.

What if humanity shared such remarkable attributes? How beautiful our communities and societies would be if we could appreciate our burdens, regardless of their weight... If we could learn to extract the good in life and discard the bad... If we could realize the importance of sharing, nurturing, caring, hard-work, discipline, and endurance. Most importantly, what if we could embrace the reality that we are not here to succeed INDIVIDUALLY... that we are merely a part of a much greater "whole". What if everyone realized the value of service? What if everyone could realize that we are an extension of one another? Just imagine what a beautiful place the world would be...

Unfortunately... I am not an ant. There are days I feel overwhelmed, sneak away from the colony, find a comfortable hide-out, throw aside the burden on my shoulders, and digest the contents of my second stomach!

I often find myself frustrated, soul searching, exploring the value of faith, and trying to solve some of life's most complex equations. I have always had difficulty "letting go". I often struggle to dictate circumstance and situations beyond my control... "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink." Damn Horses!!! I despise anything more stubborn than me, which includes most things that can't be turned off by a key or controlled with a remote.

FAITH is the foundation of a happy life. Before we can develop faith, we have to learn Patience. UGH! This has ALWAYS been my greatest challenge. God has been trying to teach me this concept for thirty-six years. Like the horse that won't drink, I'm not the least bit thirsty! It doesn't make any sense!!! If God wanted me to have patience, why didn't he "mix a little in"??? I am the result of His attempt to make something from scratch! Take a good look at me... stick with the recipe!!!

Seriously, it's the equivalent of building a house, then realizing that you forgot to include bathrooms. Instead of going through the trouble of revising the blueprint and redesigning the structure (which can take over thirty-six years!!!), go with the simplified route... build an outhouse!!!

Given my stubborn nature, and difficulty learning some of mortality's most valuable concepts... I've been assigned a front-row seat in "Spiritual Special Ed." for life's learning disabled. (A little friendly advice... If at any time you find yourself detained to my class, never... NEVER... cheat off my paper!)



I look around at other young mothers my age. On the surface they seem to have it much less complicated... their life seems so simple... their children so, so, perfectly "normal". There are times when I feel absolutely overwhelmed by the unconditional love that I feel for my children, and the helplessness that serves as love's constant companion. It's difficult to watch my children struggle... Tourette Syndrome, high functioning Autism, ADHD, OCD, and gender variance (which has presented the most significant challenges, given the lack of social support and understanding associated with this condition).

I am one person... I am merely a mother... and there are days that I feel completely and utterly inadequate. I have told myself (repeatedly) to never question God, especially when it comes to the blessings and opportunities in my life... but without patience it's extremely difficult and the questions abound... Why would one mother have to face so many uphill battles while others seem to have it so easy? Why do I have to suffer heart wrenching feelings of helplessness, and complete inadequacy?

I am proud to say that I've finally figured it out... (Although, when times get tough I suffer from frequent bouts of selective amnesia... and the "epiphany" I had today, may completely elude me tomorrow). The most difficult challenges in life are humbling, through humility we become teachable, and when we become receptive to learning... we are blessed with new opportunities for interpersonal growth.

My children are my world and it's my job to help them to understand that "LIFE just wouldn't be a PICNIC without the ANTS..." God has blessed each of us with the strength to bear each and every burden in our lives. Those "burdens" have a purpose... they reveal what we need to learn. What we commit to learn is our greatest resource. That education becomes the most precious gift in life. It's important to accept the things we cannot control, while making the most of everything we can! I hope that one day I will come to understand my significance, the value of my effort and the experiences in my life. I hope to utilize the "burdens" on my shoulders to contribute to the world around me... to make it a better place... and, in doing so, I hope to realize that every "load" is worth the effort. I pray that, through my example, I will be able to teach this profound truth to my children. May they...

" Ask not for a lighter load... ask for broader shoulders."

Life's Greatest Deception...

Ernest Hemingway has always been a fascinating author of classic literature. In a high school assignment titled, "Authors of Influence", I selected Hemingway. Here we have an iconic man - an all American hero, and winner of the Pulitzer Prize and the Nobel Peace Prize. He was extremely accomplished, yet a complicated and profoundly troubled man. A man of knowledge, philosophy, learning, and literary expression... who had so many demons - that even his brilliance, intellectual genius, and philosophical depth - could not quiet the voices in his head or expel the conflict from his tortured soul. The Hemingway family is the source of a lot of curiosity and speculation. Hemingway, his father, sister, and brother all committed suicide.

He came from an extremely affluent family. His father was a doctor and his mother was a musician. During his childhood, his mother dressed him in girls clothes - a twin to match his sister... something that impacted him throughout his life. He despised his mother and when he spoke of her, he always referred to her as, "the bitch". As he grew into adulthood, his troubled childhood had a profound effect on him, and he overcompensated in a heroic display of masculine and macho behaviors. He was married four times, had countless affairs, and fathered four children.

The youngest of Hemingway's children was Gregory Hemingway - a talented and athletic child that Ernest affectionately called Gigi. Gregory was gender variant. This aspect of his life was exposed when Ernest walked in on the ten year old boy, discreetly dressed in his mother's taffeta gown and nylons. Ernest went into a tirade of wrath. This experience set the stage for Gregory's "closet" gender behaviors. He devoted much of his life to trying to meet his father's expectations. Following in the footsteps of his grandfather, he attended medical school and became a doctor. He spent hundreds of thousand of dollars, underwent multiple treatments with shock therapy, eventually succumbed to drug and alcohol abuse (which led to the revocation of his medical license), and had several nervous breakdowns in an attempt to reconcile his identity with the expectations of his father. Despite it all, his inability to find an effective "cure" eventually destroyed the father-son relationship altogether.

At the time of Ernest's suicide, the two were not on speaking terms and Gregory had not seen his father since he was 19 years of age. Gregory was quoted as saying, "I never got over a sense of responsibility for my father's death, and the recollection of it sometimes made me act in strange ways." Following his father's funeral, Gregory expressed conflicted emotion... both through deep devastation evoked by the loss, as well as a profound relief. He was later quoted as saying, "I have to admit, I felt somewhat relieved when my father's body was lowered into the ground... never again would I disappoint the old man."

Gregory saw multiple psychiatrists in an effort to cure his "diseased mind". While living a life of obscurity, cross-dressing in secrecy... he experienced four failed marriages and fathered eight children. In his late 60's, during the final years of his life, Gregory underwent gender reassignment surgery and presented herself publicly as Gloria to many of her friends. Shortly thereafter, she was charged with indecent exposure and confined to a woman's detention center. The bail was set at a mere one thousand dollars... regardless of the value of her estate, seven million dollars, nobody bailed her out or came to her aide. On the morning of her court appearance, one week following her arrest, she collapsed to the cement floor of her cell and died of, what was later determined to be, natural causes brought on by cardiovascular disease.

Perhaps, what I consider to be Hemingway's most profound quote follows:

"Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it."

I spent most of the day "licking my wounds" so-to-speak, and refused to get out of bed... overcome with self-pity. With each minute that passed, I became more bitter and my resentment grew as I looked to the lives of others to determine what is and is NOT fair, as well as what should and should NOT exist in my life. I was angry... "To hell with you God!" seemed to be the theme of the day. After some thoughtful consideration, I remembered the words of my sister from a similar time in my life, long ago. She said, "If you are unhappy, then you are ungrateful."

My philosophy on life has developed and evolved over time. What I have come to realize is that many of us make the mistake of comparing our lives to the lives of others. If nothing else, the curse that seemed to hover over, haunt, and lurk about the Hemingway family, serves as the perfect demonstration of our skewed perception. We erroneously believe we have a clear comprehension of the trials and adversities of others. We manage to deceive ourselves with the perception that those who are socially and financially successful enjoy some kind of magical pleasure, freedom from adversity, and abstinence of pain.

Regardless of economic or social status, I believe there are two types of people in this world... those who openly share the adversity in their lives - and those who don't. There is no right or wrong approach to mortal existence. However, those who share such complexities in life are easily disillusioned by - what seems to be - the triumphs and success of others (those whose personal demons are neatly tucked away in the closet of obscurity). In sharing, we often erroneously conclude that we are cursed while others are unfairly blessed.

I have come to realize the importance of appreciating life for all that it is... the opportunity it provides to develop cherished relationships, grow in knowledge, and experience spiritual enlightenment.

Although, no two lives are ever the same, in EVERY life there is a test. Some of us choose an "open book" approach that exposes each and every vulnerability, while others choose to work through their difficulties in private. The Hemingway family lived their lives in the "eye of the public" and, therefor, their test was an "open book" - and in many respects - an unfortunate invasion of their privacy. Their experience demonstrates a profound truth... regardless of social status, public notoriety, and personal success - we are all essentially the same. Whether you have been blessed with wealth, or suffer the indignation of a panhandler on the street... no one is granted an exemption from life's test. Through his own personal pain, Hemingway managed to uncover a profound truth...

"Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it."

What does he mean by cheat??? My interpretation...

Carpe Diem... SEIZE THE DAY!

If we choose not to grow through pain in life... we might as well label ourselves "cheaters".'

Why???

Without pain, we cannot grow. Without growth, we cannot succeed. Without failure, we would not know success... and, most importantly...

NO ONE WHO HAS EVER CHEATED, HAS TRULY SUCCEEDED.

In memory of G. Hemingway...

Precious, Unforgiving Time...

Yesterday...

Colton's tiny hand was wrapped around my finger as I tried to teach him - by placing one foot in front of the other, with confidence in each tiny step, he would eventually reach his destination.

Yesterday...

After a long and exhausting effort to bring Caleb into the world, I was blessed to see him for the first time. The delivery was traumatic and he was fussing a little when they placed him in my arms ... but as I spoke my first words to him, he grew silent, overcome by the familiarity of my voice. My first child - such an amazing experience... love at first sight. I stared at the precious divine being, completely in awe and amazement of the beautiful child my body had created with God.

Yesterday...

I lived in Germany and gave birth to the most courageous child I know... Cammie Elaine. Her tenacious little personality and the fire in her spirit was evident from the beginning. She would fall asleep on me, basking in the warmth of my body and the beat of my heart - and as soon as I would move her to the bassinet, she would instantly wake and cry with an unspoken demand to be returned to the comfort of my chest.

Yesterday...

Clayton came barreling into the world in a precipitous labor that lasted less than three hours with the same headstrong determination he devotes to his precious life.

Today... I woke to the beauty of another day, startled to complete awareness of the unforgiving nature of time, and "Yesterday" has long since passed away...

Today....

I woke to Colton's 7th birthday. The tiny little fingers that once clasped my hand in self-doubt... reveal the time gone by their sticky reflection on walls, mirrors, and windows - a perfect illustration of his energetic, animated play - and the discovery of a joyful life.

Today...

I woke to an amazing teenage son, who no longer stops and listens in awe of my voice, but obediently honors me in every way. He's grown into a young man. He's as tall as I am, weighs more than I do, and wears cologne to "impress the ladies". He's about to start shaving, has his first real girlfriend, and will be driving in a year. He has integrity, a kind heart, and compassion for others. My heart swells with joy at the young man he has become.

Today...

I woke to an amazing daughter, once inseparable from the comfort of the gentle beat of my heart, has a heart of her own... A heart full of conviction, determination, strong-will, courage, tenacity, and passion for life has become an inspiration to all who are blessed to know her.

Today...

I woke to a son who once barreled his way into the world... a precious child who loves to be coddled, but wants to grow up... and, despite his small stature, has a spirit that's larger than life.

Where has the time gone, my friends???

"Yesterday" has passed and today I watched the sunrise and realized that "today" will soon be another "yesterday". "Tomorrow" is merely one "yesterday" away, and "tomorrow", everything will change once again. As a young mother, I naively believed that God entrusted me with these four beautiful spirits to teach. What I have come to realize is the that they were sent to teach me. My precious children; Caleb, Cammie, Clayton, and Colton... thank you for your patience with me, for your unique beauty, for choosing to share your lives with me, and for the precious truths that you have (and have yet) to teach. I am blessed to be your mother. Thank you for your inspiration...