The Opposition and The Climb...

One of the most difficult aspects of embracing a transgender child is coping with ignorance and intolerance. Possibly the most heart-wrenching challenges of trying to advocate for my child's happiness have come from the personal attacks of others. I have chosen to share the various comments that I have screened from my blog in an effort to help other families, facing the same obstacles, to understand that part of having the courage to stand up for your child may require losing the love and support of those closest to you. To those of you facing this uphill battle... you are not alone in your heartache, struggle, and pain. To other families with transgender children, I offer this encouragement - by turning to the Lord, and through strengthening one another, we will find the courage to advocate for the happiness of our children.

I recently heard a song that touched my heart. Cammie was singing it while playing around the house. As I listened to her sing, I felt uplifted and inspired. Through faith, we can find the strength to "climb"...

"The Climb"

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I've got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle

Sometimes, I'm going to have to lose

It isn't about how fast I get there

It's not about what's waiting on the other side...

It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm going to remember most

Just got to keep going

And I've got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

It's not about how fast I get there

It's not about what's waiting on the other side...

It's the climb.

Keep on moving, keep climbing

keep the faith...

It's all about the climb.

The Opposition...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Parable of the Box...":

Oh yes - "God" is giving you personal revelation and telling you that he purposely sent Cameron to earth in a male body when really he is a "she" just to make him become stronger and advance this noble cause. However, the revelation he gave to the prophet about gender and it being eternal and existing before the earth was created is just a bunch of bologna. I would be careful about where I assign the credit for these "inspiring" voices you keep hearing.

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Parable of the Box...":

How sad that instead of allowing Cameron to carry the box HE has been given, HE is having to face the challenges of destroying that box, and creating HIS own box. It is interesting, the way we can twist our lives to fit our own agenda.

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post ""Mom... do you think Jesus loves me?"":

All I hear is ME, ME, ME, ME. I stand by my earlier comments. How do you sit there and say it has nothing to do with medical procedure. I read your information and you want to turn a handsome young man into a girl. That must mean Rx, injections, or surgery.That sounds medical to me.Leave the boy alone and he'll figure this stuff out on his own. Love him for who he is now. Not what YOU think he should be.

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Familiar words... Familiar experiences...":

This is a great way to justify what you are doing here. God does not make mistakes. Humans should not be changing gender that was established in the heavens before this child ever came to earth. Read the family proclamation. This is idiocy clothed in "tolerance" all the while accusing everyone else of being "judgemental". I am so sad about what you are doing to your son. The sex of an individual is determined in every piece of DNA in their body. When you are finished with your plan you will not have turned Cameron into a girl, you will have turned him into a mutilated male. How terribly sick!

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Jason has left a new comment on your post "Perspectives in Parenting...":

This whole thing just blows my mind. It takes me back to my mission when I visited with people that thought the lord was telling them things he really wasn't. you say you have a strong testimony and the lord is telling you this is right but if your TRULY TRULY had a testimony (and if you honestly stop and think about what i'm about to say without taking immediate offence you'll know i'm right) the lord is the only "perfect" person to ever live on the this earth. and by saying that he has told you that cameron is really supposed to be a girl is just like saying the lord made a mistake by making him a boy....the lord doesn't make mistakes, if he did then everything every religion believes would be false and especially the LDS religion that you profess to have such a strong testimony in. and if thats true cameron is supposed to be a boy and there is NO other alternative....either that or the lord isn't perfect and he lied to us all. Think about it....honestly, with an open heart and mind, and remember the devil can answer your prayers too.

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post ""Mom... do you think Jesus loves me?"":

Oh... pllllllease!!!

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "There is Perfection in Imperfection...":

WOW! It sounds to me like you're looking in every possible book written BY MAN to justify the decisions that you have made as a parent. I'm not claiming that I'm a perfect parent because we all know that there is no such thing, but if I had made decision along the course of my child's life which led my child to the juncture that Cameron is at now then I too would look anywhere I could to feel better about myself. Kristina, you cannot allow yourself to make a decision like this at such an early stage of your SONS life. By doing so you are only harming him. You are leading him down a path that will only lead to heart break and sorrow for HIM. The world is not a forgiving place and the people that HE comes into contact with will tease him relentlessly. If you think it is bad now, wait until that happens. You say that you met with your Bishop but it sounds to me that you didn't listen. We Believe that man must be called of God by prophecy and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to preach the gospel and administer in the ordinances therof. He was called, through divine revelation to be YOUR spiritual leader. He holds the necessary keys and is entitled to receive revelation to help guide you and Cameron through this time. Please go back and LISTEN. Leave your heart open. Believe it or not we all want whats best for you and Cameron. God knows whats best. He would never tell you to do this. I know that if you talk with your Bishop and Truly listen, your mind will be opened and you will know the best course to take. I know you think you already know which course that is, but I know that God would never lead his children down the path that you are taking. Our family will keep you both in our prayers.

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Reflections of the Heart...":

All of the "scientific" mumbo jumbo, twisting of scriptures, and rationalizing does not change the fact that Cameron is a boy. It is written on every ounce of DNA in his body and all of the cutsie pictures in the world will not change that. I look at his picture and he looks just like what he is - a boy dressed in girls clothes with long hair in an attempt to deny what he really is. If later in life he takes the steps to make his body look more like a woman he will still be male. He will just then be a mutilated male.

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Dear Christina,

I am a pretty quiet person and I hate getting in the middle of heated discussions, but when an issue is brought to my attention that affects a child this much I have to say something. Cameron is a boy. Treat him like he is the smartest boy in school, he'll be the smartest boy in school. Treat him like he is an idiot, he'll be an idiot. Treat him like a boy, he'll be a boy. Treat him like he is gay, he'll be gay. You want him gay, let him be gay. Don't take such drastic steps at 10. Let him do it when he is ready to leave for college. He'll be more mature and think through this better. He'll understand the consequences.No matter how you dress him, treat him, talk to him he will always be a BOY! Like Obama said, "Put lipstick on a pig and its still a pig." I don't like Obama, but he speaks the truth in this instance.There are much better ways to get a girl. The Chinese have many to spare, they are killing the extras. Adoption would be a far better use of money and you would be saving a life of a child. You would be a hero to that child. Isn't that what you want, isn't that why you gave a kidney? Be a hero and save a child from another country.

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One of my favorite quotes...

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil...

is for good people to do nothing."

Several years ago, during a difficult time in my life, I was faced with an uphill battle. I gained great strength from a letter that my dad wrote to me on my birthday. He expressed his love for me, then told me that he was proud of me and the decisions that I had made in my life. In the letter he shared a poem that was found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta. This poem has been a great source of strength to me through some of my most profound challenges. It continues to be a source of inspiration and strength in my life today...

Do it Anyway...

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered...
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives...
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies...
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you...
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight...
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous...
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten...
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough...
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God...
It was never between you and them anyway.

The Beauty of Imperfection...

I recently received a blog post from someone who expressed his perspective on my approach to meeting Cammie's special needs. I have been approached by a few individuals with a similar perspective, so I felt compelled to post some information that would help clarify her condition, it's origins, and the biological components of variant gender development. I hope that by providing some basic information, I can open the door to understanding and make the world a better place for my child.

The blog post:

"This whole thing just blows my mind. It takes me back to my mission when I visited with people that thought the lord was telling them things he really wasn't. you say you have a strong testimony and the lord is telling you this is right but if your TRULY TRULY had a testimony (and if you honestly stop and think about what i'm about to say without taking immediate offence you'll know i'm right) the lord is the only "perfect" person to ever live on the this earth. and by saying that he has told you that cameron is really supposed to be a girl is just like saying the lord made a mistake by making him a boy....the lord doesn't make mistakes, if he did then everything every religion believes would be false and especially the LDS religion that you profess to have such a strong testimony in. and if thats true cameron is supposed to be a boy and there is NO other alternative....either that or the lord isn't perfect and he lied to us all. Think about it....honestly, with an open heart and mind, and remember the devil can answer your prayers too."

From the moment we are born, we are defined - not by WHO we are - but rather by what gender role we fit into. From the beginning of our lives the clothes we wear, the games we play, which restrooms we use, the toys we purchase for our children, and the friends that we choose to associate with are all major aspects of our lives that are influenced and defined by strict gender stereotypes.

When I was pregnant people often asked me, "Do you want a boy or a girl"... to which I would respond, "I want a healthy baby." Most expectant parents realize all of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy. Many families are faced with extreme challenges when it comes to the developmental health of their newborn children. Some infants are born with muscular dystrophy, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, autism, spinal bifida, cystic fibrosis, congenital heart defects, cleft lip/cleft palate, diabetes, gastro-intestinal disorders, and the list goes on. Many of these conditions manifest immediately after birth and some surface later in life through the delay of developmental milestones. When families are faced with the aforementioned challenges, nobody approaches them with the same level of insensitivity or discourages them from seeking understanding or treatment for the affected child by callously making the assertion that, "The Lord doesn't make mistakes, if he did then everything every religion believes would be false."

Why is it that people think they have the authority to make a determination about which medical treatments are an implication of God's imperfection and which medical treatments are simply neccessitated by unfortunate developmental circumstances, worthy of medical intervention??? How is it that children can come into the world with all kinds of developmental delays, deformities, and maladies - but if those physiological issues challenge rigid gender norms, suddenly there is a dramatic shift from support and understanding to pious judgement and an assertion that "God doesn't make mistakes... either that or the Lord isn't perfect and he lied to us all."

Until I made the effort to listen to Cammie, understand her and the condition that has challenged her life, I - too - was ignorant. Through prayer, I have been blessed to come in contact with the people and resources that have led to an awareness of my child's gender variance and an understanding of her condition... Hopefully, this understanding will lead to a better life for her and other children like her. Please forgive me if I get a little technical while attempting to explain the physiological development of gender variance as I have come to understand it...

At conception, the genetic make-up of a child is complete - including the sex of the infant. Within about three days after conception, the fertilized egg, which is dividing rapidly into many cells, passes through the fallopian tube into the uterus where it attaches to the uterine wall. The placenta, which will nourish the baby, also begins to form...

4 weeks - At this point of development the structures that eventually form the face and neck are becoming evident. The heart and blood vessels continue to develop. And the lungs, stomach, liver, and gonads (testes or ovaries) start to develop...

6-8 weeks - The baby is now about the size of a grape - almost an inch in size. Eyelids and ears are forming and even the tip of the nose is visible. The arms and legs are well formed. The fingers and toes grow longer and more distinct. The gonads remain ovaries or differentiate into testicles based on hormones that are produced at this stage of pregnancy. The release of these hormones (one of which is testosterone) determines the internal development of reproductive organs. when testosterone is present, internal male reproductive structures develop. Without testosternone - the gonads become ovaries and the development of the uterus, fallopian tubes, and upper part of the vagina will progress. If there is a significant imbalance of these hormones during this delicate phase of fetal development, the infant may be born with ambiguous genetalia...

10-12 weeks - The fetus measures approximately two and a half inches and begins to move. The doctor may hear the fetal heartbeat with special instruments and the sex organs of the baby may become visible. The brain undergoes rapid development, producing 250,000 new neurons every minute. During this phase of neurological growth, it is believed that hormones (known as androgens) wash the brain in a process known as the "androgen bath". The androgen bath (coupled with genetics) determine the neurological blueprint of gender identity. Variations in these factors during this crucial period of neurological development can result in cross-gender cellular gender identity markers in the brain...

This cross-gender neurological development is demonstrated by the following image which compares the volume of the central subdivision of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc), an area in the brain that is essential to sexual behavior and is twice as large in men than in women. In this image, the BSTc markers of four individuals are compared. Block A - a heterosexual male, block B - a heterosexual female, block C - a homosexual male, and block D - a transgender male to female. The BSTc was not influenced by sex hormones in adulthood and was independent of sexual orientation. This study was the first to show a female brain structure in genetically male transgender individuals...

There is more to gender than meets the eye (literally). There are little girls born every day who grow up like other normal little girls - wearing pink and bouncing around in pigtails. They enter puberty and, although their breasts develop, they don't grow pubic hair and they don't menstruate. Their parents bring them to the doctor to find out why puberty is not progressing in a normal pattern and discover that they have no uterus, the vagina is abnormally short, and there is testicular tissue where the ovaries should be. When genetic tests are run, they reveal XY chromosomes. The little girl is chromosomally male but has always identified as female. The actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, was born with this rare developmental condition known as CAIS (complete androgen insensitivity syndrome).

Likewise, there are little boys born with XX male syndrome - a condition similar to CAIS in presentation. The affected child presents with a physiologically male body. These children are infertile and, although chromosomally female, they identify as male.

These are just a couple of gender based developmental conditions. There are numerous others... so many that it would exhaust this post to go into greater detail. It's interesting to me that there are people in the world, wasting their energy, trying to figure out where to "draw the lines" of acceptance. The aforementioned comment post is a classic demonstration of such judgement. Once these individuals have made a determination based on what they think is right or wrong, they are unwilling to educate themselves or consider new possibilities. It's much easier to ignore the truth than to pick up an eraser, or re-draw the line... Perhaps, that's because there's an element of guilt that accompanies the realization that it's not our place to draw lines.

The human body is created by two imperfect human beings... the spirit, however, is perfect. This is why I have chosen to nurture Cammie's spirit, to trust her perception, and to love her unconditionally. I believe that the most important step toward achieving perfection in an imperfect world is learning how to accept and look beyond our differences... until ~ at last ~ we are able to recognize the beauty and perfection that lies beyond imperfection...

Reflections of the Heart...

A pocketful of pictures and

a handful of thoughts...

Patience... Patience... Patience

Several months ago, Cameron wanted to talk. She sat with me at the side of my bed and asked, "Mom, Jesus can do anything - right?" I thought for a moment. I could see where the conversation was headed, but answered with honesty, "Yes, Cameron- he can." She continued, "Why can't he fix my body? I have prayed and prayed that he would fix it... but he hasn't."

I explained to Cameron that, although Christ was the son of God and was capable of many miracles, the challenges in our lives serve a valuable purpose. I reminded her that, although he had the ability to save himself from the hands of his executioners and tormentors, he didn't... rather he prayed for their salvation, asking God to forgive them as illustrated in Luke 24:33-35...

33. And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left.
34. Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.
35. And the people stood beholding . And the rulers also with them derided him, saying, He saved others; let him save himself, if he be Christ, the chosen of God.

I believe that life's challenges necessitate spiritual growth. The effects of those challenges may result in personal development, but many times the blessings from those "obstacles" contribute to the growth of others. Unfortunately, the answers aren't always forthcoming and many times the meaning behind the experience remains elusive, until - in retrospect - it is clarified. I am an extremely impatient person and inasmuch, can relate to Cameron's frustration. Sometimes, it's not easy to trust the Lord and patiently wait for the answers...

In fact, I hate to wait! I have no patience. I've always been this way. As a child, I would get so excited about Christmas that I'd scavenge the house for stowed shopping bags and on the rare occasion when I didn't find anything, I'd wait for the wrapped merchandise to appear under the tree... Then, like a predator on the hunt, I'd wait for an opportunity to present itself, open them up, peek, re wrap them, and strategically place them back under the tree. It's not surprising that I was also the child in the backseat of the car on family road trips repeatedly asking the questions that all parents love to hear... "how many more miles?"... and ... "How much longer?"

Not much has changed in my life. Although my circumstances are different, my behavior remains consistent. I routinely find myself huffing and puffing, fussing and cussing while waiting on a traffic light... or throwing a tantrum in the car during a rush hour commute home. I'm not proud of the fact that I have - on occasion - abandoned an overloaded shopping cart full of merchandise when encountering tedious lines at the checkout counter, and I'd rather give birth than be placed on hold... So, given my track record, it's not surprising that the Lord would try to teach me patience.

Every challenge in my life seems to be devoted to helping me develop this important quality which has been compounded by the fact that I have spent many years in what I like to refer to as "spiritual special ed", for apparent learning disabilities. My take on the matter has always been that if the Lord wanted me to have patience, he should've created me with it in the first place and saved us both the hassle... A perspective that illustrates my impatience with learning patience.

Whatever the reason, the Lord continues to try to teach me this principle... and I continue to have "developmental delays" in learning it. When it comes to life's challenges, I find myself frequently whining, "How much longer?" And, as always, the Lord's response remains constant... "As long as it takes to get there".

When it comes to major challenges in parenting, I always to turn to my faith for guidance. Often the answers don't come as quickly or as readily as I'd like them to, and I find it nearly impossible to be patient. At these times, I typically start "scavenging for blessings" while trying to dictate the outcome and - in doing so - fail to recognize them altogether.

I have come to realize that faith is a prerequisite to patience and trust is a prerequisite to faith. Trusting the Lord has always been my greatest challenge. I had a dream several years ago that demonstrated this "power struggle". I was at a public pool with my children, watching them play. My babysitter had come along to help me keep an eye on them and was playing with Colton in the water. I was scanning their activities, watching them enjoy the day and when I looked over to where Cole had been, I couldn't see him and I couldn't find the babysitter. I rushed to the side of the pool and looked down into the water and there he was, lying lifeless at the bottom.

I dove in to get him but the pool was unusually deep. I could only get so far before the weight of the water forced me back. I could see him drifting on the bottom and knew that it might already be too late. Panic seized my heart as I realized that my best efforts were futile. I couldn't reach him. I returned to the surface, the sky had clouded over and most of the swimmers were gone. I begged for someone to help.

Suddenly, a man appeared from the darkness. I couldn't see his face but his countenance was familiar. Somehow, I knew that he would be able to reach Colton. He was able to overcome the deep and pull him to the surface.

I seized Colton from his arms and frantically began to administer CPR. I was screaming inside, "God, please don't take him away from me. Please! I can't get through life without him!" I administered a rescue breath and he coughed out a lot of water but never opened his eyes. The sky cleared and I felt the warmth of the sun. I turned to find the man that had helped but he had gone. Then I awoke, not knowing the outcome.

In the days that followed, I began to recognize the spiritual message of my dream. I realized that my efforts, no matter how inadequate they may have appeared to those “standing at the surface”, were appreciated by one much greater… the man who appeared from the darkness with the miraculous ability to help me. I had been so focused on controlling the outcome that I took Cole from his arms before his work was done.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Christ, his life, and his ministry. Through this ten year trial with Cameron, I have watched a beautiful spirit wither away in sadness and depression. I have heard her desperate pleas for relief and have found myself reliving that dream... once again pleading... "God, please don't take him away from me. Please! I can't get through life without him." I am learning to trust the Lord. I am trying to resist the urge to "seize Cameron from his arms". I am taking one step at a time... the step that has been prepared, then - through faith - I have resigned myself to an unknown "destination".

We can all find comfort in the fact that there is one who knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He understands what it's like to be criticized and judged and he conquered death so that we can have eternal life. I have come to realize that during my darkest moments, when those “at the surface” fail to understand and are unwilling to help, He is there… but I’ve got to trust him and patiently wait for the answers.

I have shared my testimony with Cameron and tried to teach her spiritual truths. I am saddened by the fact that so many misunderstood, beloved children of God have bought into the idea that being true to themselves will result in the spiritual abandonment of a loving Father in Heaven. Unfortunately, these people share Cameron's feelings of frustration and hopelessness - losing faith in a God that sincerely loves, supports, and understands them.

There is one thing that I know for certain... Cammie didn't come to my home by chance. The Lord assigned Cameron to my care and has blessed me with the experiences that have guided my path. He has helped me to understand his will for her life. I have been blessed to see my child. I am her mother... God trusts me... and no mortal being, standing on the outside of this experience, can possibly have a greater understanding, know my child better, or be more equipped to handle this challenge. From the outside - looking in, It's easy to jump to conclusions about what is right and wrong about someones life, particularly when you don't have to live with the consequences. I have walked everyday with my child, turned to the Lord directly for guidance, and been blessed with the answers that have paved the way to nurturing her spirit.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, that Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. I have studied his gospel, his words, his parables, and his teachings. I have a testimony of his love for me and my child. I am at peace in my heart because I have received guidance through each step of our journey. I know that when it seems that nobody else is there... he is.

I don't believe that I know everything with regard to this challenge in my life - rather I am willing to accept that I know NOTHING, humble myself in prayer, turn to faith, and try to be patient as I learn to trust the Lord's guidance. He has blessed my life - and I will not forsake that truth for the opinions of those who think I have fallen so far from grace that I am not entitled to receive it.

I will continue to teach Cameron that she does not have to choose between her innate spiritual being and the love of her Heavenly Father. I will continue to teach her that she is divine. By paving the way for Cameron to love and accept herself, I hope to teach her to recognize the sanctity of the spirit.

Together, she and I will continue to walk hand in hand, one step at a time - as we patiently wait for answers.

Revelations 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him.

Perspectives in Parenting...

Making the decision to support Cameron has introduced some unexpected emotions. I have literally grieved over the loss of my son. I have crumbled into tears over every little incident and spent hours consumed by sadness. There have been days when I didn't want to get out of bed, days went I didn't want to face anybody...face family, even friends... or face the world. I have been emotionally and spiritually exhausted... and overwhelmed by trying to explain ten years worth of experience in ten minutes, through a blog archive, or e-mail - just to have people look my direction with raised eyebrows, doubts, or reservations... as if I have lost my mind. It's been difficult to witness Caleb's sadness as his friends - one by one - have quit coming around... dissolving their friendship due to a lack of understanding. My own family has walked away, turning their back on me. I haven't received a single telephone call from any of my siblings or extended family members... but I have been told of their disapproval. All of this has culminated in a great deal of distress as I struggle to "keep it together", manage my own emotions, support the children, teach Christlike principles in our home, and maintain my sanity.

Through it all, the Lord has continued to bless my life with promptings of guidance and spiritual peace. I feel like I am walking through the "refiner's fire" and he is guiding each and every footstep. One of the most sacred, spiritual experiences came during a lonely moment of grief. The answers were provided through a simple chat session with a close friend.

I met Heather ten years ago while attending college in Germany shortly after Cameron was born. She and I became close friends and we were there for one another through some difficult times. We lost touch over the years and recently reconnected online. She had been following the blog but was completely unaware of what I was going through "behind the scenes"... regarding my feelings of loss and grief. I had been praying for peace and comfort when Heather's message popped up and we began to chat. Through the simple thoughts shared by a close friend, the spirit spoke to my heart and I was blessed with the peace and comfort that I desperately needed during an extremely difficult time. I wanted to share this spiritual experience, so I have copied and pasted our chat session.into the blog..

09:19Heather

hi how are u

09:19Christina

Okay... been discouraged lately

09:20Heather

i'm sorry :(

i read the blog and have been praying for your family

09:20Christina

It's been so hard... it'll get better.

09:21Heather

it's so awesome that you support cam

09:21Christina

I love my child... I just want to see her happy

09:21Heather

that's what is important, you are a special person and so is your child

09:23Christina

We need to get together soon. I'll add you to the blog. I had to take it down because my family was posting "hate mail".

09:23Heather

no way...i can't believe they would do that don't let it get to you, u are doing what is best...

we do have to get together

09:24Christina

I really appreciate your friendship since I have lost the support of my family...

Oh well, live and learn.

09:24Heather

hey i'm here :)

u were there for me u know

i'll always be here for u

09:26Christina

We all have our "cross to bear" from time to time in life. Chad is a great guy... always was, and I'm so glad that your family has grown. Your family is beautiful.

09:27Heather

thank u, it looks like u have found a wonderful guy that loves ur kids

are u busy? cause if not i have to tell u about something

09:29Christina

Not at the moment...

09:30Heather

okay...ur family has been on my mind a lot lately......anyway i had this dream that jakob and i were climbing some rock and were way up high...

i was having issues climbing and wasn't watching him

when i looked over he was about to fall

i watched him fall all the way to the bottom....it seemed like forever.....i got to him as fast as i could and called 911

he was still alive, knew his name, but didn't know me

long story short...he wasn't the same

no memory.....he was different than i was use to

i told him i loved him and he just looked at me.....broke my heart...cause he always says he loves me

i thought i had lost him

and even tho he was alive....i thought he was gone

it really bothered me after i woke up

and for several days later

then i realized.....just because he wasn't how i wanted him...didn't mean that i lost him

i just had to be thankful for the new him and get to know him

09:35Christina

Thank you so much, Heather... you don't know what an answer that is to my prayers.

09:36Heather

that's when i thought of you....just because things aren't the way you thought they'd be doesn't mean that you don't have a wonderful chance to enjoy your child

09:36Christina

This has been the hardest thing in the world for me. I feel like I have lost my family over this...

Some of my friends...

And nearly all of my sanity...

But, I love my child, boy or girl - son or daughter - and I want her to be happy.

09:37Heather

i'm sorry that they don't understand....but god can help them :)

09:37Christina

If they will let him.

I didn't get to this point without God.

09:37Heather

of course u love her and she is very lucky

09:37Christina

God is who has inspired me to have the courage to see my child from the inside...out.

I am trying to trust him... trust that it will all be okay...

I am so thankful that the Lord uses the hearts of our friends to let us know when we are on the right track.

I love you so much... and I miss you.

09:41Heather

i do u too! i will always be thanful for having you as a friend

09:44Heather

so cheer up :) u know u are doing what's right...u are loving ur child..and for the rest..don't let them get u down. pray for understanding for them. ur family needs u and can sense when you let things bother u.

09:46Heather

u can't control how they feel, but u can have peace in knowing what is right for your family

09:47Heather

and u'll be a blessing for other families that are looking for answers

09:48Christina

Heather thank you so much. I'm going to save this chat and paste it into my blog.

I have been praying that the Lord would help me to know that I have been on the right track.

So often he answers our prayers through the love of others.

09:49Heather

i wish that i was better at expressing myself in typing - lol

09:50Christina

You are fine... you shared the message you were meant to get accross.

Thank you so much.

09:50Heather

don't thank me....ur' my friend

09:50Christina

I do love you.

09:50Heather

do u too...keep that chin up

09:50Christina

I gotta go minister to the bumps and bruises of the camper kiddos. I'll catch up with you later.

Watch for an invitation to the blog.

Hugs!

09:51Heather

k take care

bye-

I am so thankful for my Fahter in Heaven, for the promptings of his spirit, and for the peace that he gives at the moments when we need it the most. There is no way for Heather to have known what I was experiencing. I had not expressed my feelings of grief and loss in my blog... yet the Lord used her as a means to answer my prayers and deliver peace to my heart. Sometimes it's difficult to follow the promptings of the spirit. Sometimes following the Lord's will for our lives requires sacrifices that are difficult to understand.

I am learning to surrender to the eternal perspective of my Heavenly Father. Perhaps the perfect illustration of this principle comes from my own experience as a parent. I remember when my children were little but wanted to be "all grown up", the struggles that we had over their lack of understanding...

I had an experience a few years ago with one of my children that illustrates the way the Lord must feel from time to time when guiding our lives. This experience taught me a valuable lesson on parenthood. It was in October of 2003. My oldest son, Caleb, was in Kindergarten. He had been learning how to read and (evidently) write. In order to fully appreciate this "hate mail" (as I like to call it) you have to understand the situation that spurred it. Caleb is a kind-hearted and sensitive child. He never talks back, and is generally very obedient and mild mannered. However, on this particular day he was in “rare form”. His grandmother was about to pick him up and take he and his brothers to a football game. It was cold outside so I insisted that they wear long sleeved shirts. Caleb refused, and an argument ensued. Finally I said, "Enough! If you want to go to the game, then you'll wear a long sleeved shirt... otherwise, you'll stay home!"

He stormed off in a huff. When his grandmother showed up, he refused to go while his brothers made their way out the door. Minutes later, after she had gone, I saw him diligently working on something in the kitchen. I didn't think too much about it, assuming it was his homework. Finally, he got up from the table and ran through the living room, slinging the letter across the room as he scampered past me. It fluttered to the ground and an "unsuspecting mother" picked it up and read...

"From Caleb 2003. mom ext awt i ollee (love) miy dad and miy bruthrs and mom you or a jrc i dot chrrust mom inneemr won mr theng i dont gv you inneemr hugs"

Translation: "From Caleb 2003. Mom X'd out. I only love my dad and my brothers, and mom you are a jerk. I don't trust mom anymore. One more thing... I don't give you anymore hugs"

At first I wasn't sure how to feel about the letter, but shortly after reading it my heart swelled with love, then a wave of laughter caught me by surprise. I recognized the moral of the story as I reflected on my own childhood. I could remember all the times, growing up, that I “hated” my parents for making me brush my teeth, wear a coat, take a nap, and the list goes on and on. As funny as it seems… it was one of those rare moments when I was sure that I was a good mom.

I was so excited! I picked up the phone, called mom and dad, and said, "Its official! I'm a good parent - Caleb hates me!" After laughing with them about the situation, I went to Caleb's room and, once again, explained why I wanted him to wear long sleeves. I told him that I loved him and didn't want him to get cold. I said, "I'm sorry if that makes you mad". Then I got up to leave the room and on my way out I stopped and turned around, "Caleb, I am so proud of you... I didn't know that you could write so well! You are learning so much in school, what a smart boy I have." Shortly thereafter, Caleb made his way into the living room, threw his arms around my neck, and with crocodile sized tears in his eyes - said, "I'm sorry I wrote that letter mom. I was just mad... I love you." I told him to quit crying and explained that his feelings were normal. We laughed together as I offered reassurance by sharing some similar experiences from my own childhood. Later that night, I found the note torn-up in the trash. I retrieved it, taped it back together, and filed it away... that's why the copy looks so disheveled. He was six then.

That experience taught me that there are many times in the lives of my children when being a good parent would require me to be a “jrk”, occasionally betray their perspective of “chrrust”, and even lose a hug or two. I realized then that sometimes it takes a “bad mom” to be a good parent. It isn’t a popularity contest, but rather a training camp for future success, peace, & happiness.

When I reflect on that experience, I am reminded of another parent/child relationship… the spiritual relationship between the Lord and ourselves. As a concerned and loving father, he is there to identify the dangers in our lives, guide, and protect us. Because our perspective is limited to our mortal experience and temporal understanding, we are often unable to appreciate the blessings in our lives. I have come to realize that the love of the Lord often results in “unanswered prayers”. Our expectations come from temporal understanding but our blessings are based on eternal truths. It’s important to remember, when searching for the answers, that at times we may be required to “wear long sleeves”…

Although we may never fully understand, following the Lord's promptings and accepting the seeming "unanswered prayers" in life will result in spiritual safety and prosperity. Although I don't understand why we are facing this challenge in our family and I know the Lord cannot change "what is", I am very thankful for the "long sleeves" that He is teaching me to wear - and the protection that I know will be provided through faithful obedience to the promptings of the spirit.

The Road Less Traveled...

Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Than took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

This has always been my favorite poem. Through the ups, downs, twists and turns of life... there will always be a mountain to climb, a path to tread, and choices to make along the way.

There have been many times in my life when I have stood at a fork in the road, carefully weighing my options, and contmeplating the best path. Many times my choices were wise and often times they weren't, but I'm thankful for the valuable principles taught by each.

Recently, I stood at a crossroad. Once again, two paths diverged in the woods before me but this time it was different...

As a parent, sometimes it's difficult to know which path to take. Being a custodian of God's will is a huge responsibility. Each step I take, I take for two. I have come to realize that I can't fear the road less traveled. These roads, when taken, change the world... one step at a time. I hope that by carefully selecting the path.... a path paved with faith, hope, prayer, compassion, and unconditional love... perhaps, "it will make all the difference."

Parenting from the Inside - Out

My approach to loving Cameron has created some unwelcome responses, hateful comments, and personal attacks on my character. My heart aches for other families who face this challenge with their children. the difficulty that it introduces, especially in regards to relationships - can be devastating at best. Despite it all, I maintain my position...

We've all seen children who are isolated or rejected by their peer group... it's part of growing up - after all, kids will be kids. Looking back, I was that child. There were countless days when I came home crying because of experiences that I had at school. My mother would get upset, jump to my defense, then occasionally call the parents of my tormentors in an effort to initiate an intervention. After the emotions had settled, she'd sit down with me. Then, in an effort to make things better, she'd try to help me figure out what I had done to cause the rejection. Over the years, we spent hours together dissecting situations, discussing what I needed to change about myself, and searching for the things that I could do differently... things that would make me more appealing to my peer group. I remember the frustration that I felt and the sadness that consumed me as I desperately searched for acceptance. My self-esteem was devastated as I struggled to find peace. If you can't love or accept yourself... if you start from the outside (with the opinions of others), peace will always be elusive.

My mother did her best to love me and protect me. She thought that by helping me to change... by molding me into a more "acceptable" child... she could prevent the heartache caused by rejection. She didn't realize that by taking an "outside-in" approach to parenting, she was reinforcing that rejection. Unfortunately, this is the approach that many parents take when it comes to their transgender children. I am thankful for my relationship with my mother... I realize that she loved me very much, and I love her... but I am most thankful for that time in my life because of what it taught me. Looking back now, I can see that there are no coincidences in life. This experience has paved the way to greater understanding for Cameron... I have learned the importance of parenting from the "inside-out".

Everything in me, from my personal childhood experience to my testimony of the purpose of life, has humbled me and guided my path. I have taught Cameron to love herself, accept herself, and be true to herself. I have taught her to embrace Christ with all of her faith. I have taught her that it matters little what others think..."Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you."

What could be more holy than our personal relationship with the Lord? I have taught Cameron that her relationship with our Heavenly Father is sacred... to never allow anyone to dictate what it has been, what it is, or what it will be... "give not that which is holy unto the dogs". I have taught her to seek her own answers in faith and prayer, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh is shall be opened." If she will do these things, the Lord will give her strength. Her strength will come from within, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father, which is in heaven."

There is only one judge and he does not consult the wisdom of men. Christ said, "Blessed, are ye when men shall revil you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

By accepting my child and embracing her beautiful spirit, I put my faith in the Lord and pray that he will give her the courage to accept herself and the courage to face a world polluted with judgement. I pray that she will discover her divine gifts, strengths, abilities, and spiritual purpose. I pray that she will be humble and kind to those in need. I pray that she will be strengthened by God's grace through adversity. These are the desires of my heart... not to have a son or daughter... but to have a child - boy or girl - who faithfully trusts in the Lord... not the opinions of men. As the Lord's agent in her mortal experience, this is my "custodial responsibility"; this is what it means to parent from the inside... out.

Familiar words... Familiar experiences...

The agony of...

Nurturing the Spirit
a mother’s recount of raising a transgendered child…

This is the amazing story of a mother who's unconditional love for her child changed her outlook on life. The part of her story that has had the greatest impact on my life can be found in the final paragraph as she share's her growth and all that she has learned by allowing her child to be the "teacher". Thank God for this inspiration in my life, and the inspiration of other parents who have the spiritual strength to identify the most basic need in the lives of their children... the need for unconditional love, understanding, and acceptance.

I hope this link works, it didn't work the last time I tried to post it...

http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/pdf/nurtuting.pdf